Pardon the lack of citations. If you’re truly outraged by this, I can cite things on request in the comments.

[tag]Seals[/tag] are stupid as hell. Seriously. You city folk have only seen them at Marine Land and the local zoo. Most wild animals are a little more cunning and clever than their captive counterparts, but seals tend to be the opposite. I should know. I grew up around seals. They don’t just live in the arctic, contrary to what you dumb, urban hippies would like to believe. They live off the coast of my homeland, Cape Breton. In fact, they’re so handy to the shoreline that if you took the time, you could probably nail one in the head with a baseball from the bank as they surfaced for the occasional breath of air. However, if you have that kind of patience, you should probably devote it to something a little more productive.

When pack ice comes to [tag]Cape Breton[/tag], seals frolic under the surface and occasionally stick their heads in the narrow openings in order to get some air. When they do this, the ice sometimes shifts and… well… squishy pop! OK, maybe that was a little crude, but that’s why when springtime rolls around there are seal carcasses on the beach with the heads nowhere to be found. The seagulls tend to clean up on that soft squishy mash of brain, skull, and what have you as soon as it rolls up on the shore. These seals are not being killed for their skulls and some ignorant tourist would no doubt conclude. These seals die because they are fucking retarded.

Settle down, hippy. I know you’re saying “Well come on Professor Fox, they have to breath! Give the seals a fucking break.” I am aware that mammals have to breath. So how about you give ME a break. I did get through junior high science class with pretty good grades after all. But seriously, seals have been committing suicide via pack ice for hundreds of years now. One would think that seals would have figured out a way to breath while avoiding skull-compression, but this simply isn’t going to happen because seals are retarded. I can hear you now, tree-huggers… “Well what do you think the seals should do, smart ass?” Well, I am more than willing to hold a conference with the leaders of the seals and offer my brilliant suggestions, but I’m not sure how much progress we’d make… BEING AS I DON’T SPEAK SEAL! I think we can all agree that what seals are doing now (and what they’re doing is totally free mankind’s intervention) in the winter isn’t working out. Therefore, seals are stupid as hell by nature.

Seals are nasty, vicious pricks. Well, the ones that you see in the tanks in Niagara Falls are pretty cute and friendly, but wild seals are assholes. When I was a just a youngling living in [tag]Port Hawkesbury[/tag], seals would often try to climb over the Canso Causeway. My Dad, being the brave RCMP officer that he was, would often go down to the causeway and wrestle the hissing, snapping devils into submission and kick their flabby asses back into the sea.

And so the left-wing activist cries, “Well it’s man that put that causeway there! The seals are in the right, we are in the wrong!” Well Mr./Mrs. [tag]Activist[/tag], in order to get to that big island we call Cape Breton, some eggs had to be cracked to make the omelet. Ferries and airplanes still run on the Jesus Juice (© 2006 Stephen Colbert) that you despise and there’s no way in God’s world that you’re scrawny ass can handle rowing or sailing across the strait. Serves you right for cutting meat out of your diet, you tofu-eating weakling. When it comes right down to it, me (and even you, hippie) getting from A to B equals nature getting the shitty end of the stick. Sometimes its a lot of shit, sometimes its only railroad tracks. But the shit is inevitable.

There used to be a lot more whales in the sea before mankind brought their population levels down so far that some species are now on the verge of extension. I have been blessed in that I have been able to see a live humpback whale in the wild. The smell was a kinda’ horrible… I learned that when they do that little squirt out of their blow-hole trick, they expel a lot of gas from their gut. It’s kinda’ like a fart, except it’s a whale doing it and therefore it’s REALLY hard to handle.

The present scarcity of whales is an example of what happens when animals are hunted without management. Back in the old days in Europe, a gamekeeper used to ensure that fish and game would always be around and in good numbers for their landlord (usually a nobleman) to hunt. That’s why there are still all kinds of game animals and fish running and swimming around Europe to this day. Well, lions became extinct in approximately the 1st Century AD in Europe, but I think that was probably done in interests of public safety. I mean seriously, wouldn’t it be a little bit weird if you were walking around the black forest of Germany, fishing pole and mug of beer in hand, and suddenly you were attacked by a lion? I’m sure there used to be bears roaming around all over Cape Breton a long time ago (I consider the bear the North American equivalent of the European lion), but I prefer to keep to my business and they keep to their own. Go try to make friends in the Cape Breton highlands with bears, hippie. I Samuel Jackson “double-fuckin’ dare you, motha’ fucka’!” The same goes for the lions that are still kicking around Africa.

But, whale attacks have been far less common historically. The devastation of whale populations is also a fine example of a tragedy of the commons. The 18th and 19th centuries were a time when amber grease was in high demand in Europe. Amber grease is hard to find nowadays. The sale of it is banned in North America and the European countries that are whale-friendly. I’ve never come across it, but I hear it’s one hell of hand-moisturizer! You can still get it in Italy. That’s right, Italy has said “fuck the whales!” It shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody. The communist party has historically been a powerful player in Italian politics, and we all know that communists don’t give a shit about the environment. Remember the Aral Sea? Nice going, Soviet Union…

And finally, here’s the connection. Some types of whales eat harp seals (that’s the species of seal that is hunted in Canada). Orcas are such a whale–a whale whose numbers now rely on conservation measures. Greenland sharks have been known to munch on harp seals and are also conservation dependent. With a shortage of whales and sharks, mankind is forced to step in and help manage the harp seal population. We do the same thing with rabbits because we’ve killed too many of their predators in the past (Ex: the Eastern Timberwolf). [tag]Harp seals[/tag] are by no means endangered or even conservation dependent. As a matter of fact, they’re on the “least concern” list. I cannot deny that mankind has made mistakes in the past. But, I do not fear the extinction of the harp seal. What we have now is a managed hunt of a very non-endangered species. I have chosen to become a hunter (although not a seal hunter in particular) with the fact that man has made mistakes in the past with regards to wildlife resource management in mind. I follow the rules, just as our seal hunters do. Yes, there are rules. Yes, there are people who enforce those rules. Yes, there are people who go that extra mile to show their thanks for being able to harvest game. I am one of them.

As for the ethics of the hunt, the law in canada says the following:

• “Every person who strikes a seal with a club or hakapik shall strike the seal on the forehead until its skull has been crushed”;
• “No person shall commence to skin or bleed a seal until the seal is dead”;
• “[A] seal is dead when it has a glassy-eyed, staring appearance and exhibits no blinking reflex when its eye is touched while it is in a relaxed condition”;
• “Every person who fishes for seals for personal or commercial use shall land the pelt or the carcass of the seal”;

Also, baby seals are not to be killed in Canada. Those are the little, pure white ones. The gray-brown ones with black spots are usually fair game.

Despite what [tag]Heather McCartney[/tag] (or whatever last name she’s going by now) claims, the [tag]Gulf of St. Lawrence[/tag] is not full of skinned seal carcasses. I see blood on the pack ice here in Cape Breton, but I don’t see whole carcasses. The reason for this is that seal meat is tasty! I’ve eaten it. It’s great! Asians REALLY go nuts over this tasty stuff, much like Europeans go crazy over my harp seal vest. Yes, I have one. It was given to me by my father and idol, Brent Clarke. So, it makes sense to bring aboard the whole seal and not just the pelt. Our hunters know this very well. Also, most hunters use rifles nowadays. It’s just easier that way. Remember what I told you about seals being pricks? The brave hunters stick to the clubs and no doubt have brass knuckles as their backup. Heather, we don’t believe your bullshit. We also don’t believe that Paul hit you. He’s Paul. He’s a nice guy. You deserve to get your leg kicked out from underneath you by one of [tag]J-Lo[/tag]’s security staff members any day of the week.

I hope you folks have found enlightenment in these words.

Yours conservatively,
The Young Warrior (I’m told that’s what my first name means)

This ClashBang.com article was written by Evan "Fox" Clarke. Fox is fuelled by 3 things: Church, beer, and Fox News.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 28th, 2007 at 12:34 am and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.