A Tribute to Mario: 25 Years and Still Not Getting Any
Chris Chu

Before I discovered girls, sex, and fast cars, there was Mario. As a child growing up in a household with a strict ban on video games, my first encounter with Mario was a forbidden affair. The neighbour’s kid had a Super Nintendo system, and my parents were powerless to prevent me from hearing the now-classical theme song blasting from her mono TV. I quickly found myself sneaking to my neighbour’s house every day after elementary school to play Super Mario World with her. Due to the nature of my covert operations, I never did stay long enough to get far into the game. I blame the lack of practice, and to this day I still have difficulty getting past the first world in Mario games.

In an era before Grand Theft Auto, Mario was terrorizing turtles in all the land and encouraging reckless jumping and steroid mushroom use. Originally introduced as “Jumpman” in the videogame Donkey Kong in 1981, Mario has since went on to become the very icon of Nintendo and sparked a generation of mainstream gamers and friends gathering in living rooms before World of Warcraft turned gamers into mindless drones sitting in their parents’ basement. You can be in Hong Kong, Brazil, or Estonia, and still the name Mario will invoke a smile on somebody’s face. Let’s have a look at some of the notable titles in the franchise that feature the Italian stereotype in his quests to save the damsel in distress:

Donkey Kong: A giant ape has taken the princess and it’s up to an Italian plumber to carefully jump over barrels to get to her. In a time when video games featured just one level, this game had not 1, 2, 3, but FOUR levels!

Super Mario Bros.: King Koopa, a giant turtle, is obviously not content with living in a large castle, and decides to kidnap the princess. This game introduces Luigi as Mario’s younger brother. The combination of Princess Peach’s unappreciative behaviour and his frustration at Luigi’s taller stature may be the reasons for Mario’s need to lash out at innocent creatures and his constant demand to be addressed with the title “Super.”

Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island: Mario’s past is revealed. Kidnapped at birth while being delivered by the stork, baby Mario must endure a bumpy ride on the back of a cute green dinosaur. Mario also gets rides from a dog with a giant tongue. Can anybody spell childhood trauma? The ensuring psychologist visits must surely have contributed to his lack of money for food, thus stunting his growth and causing hours of his youth spent slashing his wrists.

Besides these titles, Mario and the gang have also starred in other ventures including cartoons and movies. As with other teenage stars, their success in one industry did not guarantee superstardom in another and those silver screen dreams soon vanished. However, unlike Mrs. Federline, Mario is still good at his original calling – video games.

Sure, there may have been many competitors over the years, but those in pursuit have found themselves discarded in the graveyards of obscurity since then. Sonic is living in a retirement home while some guy named Shadows the Hedgehog takes the entire spotlight. Banjo and Kazooie have sold out to Microsoft. Other things are still the same: Luigi still plays Robin to Mario’s Batman after a failed short stint with the Ghostbusters. Donkey Kong is still a dumb ape after messing up his audition for the Peter Jackson movie. Princess Peach still refuses to give in to Mario’s attempts to convince her that she’s “the one.”

Well, here’s to 25 more years of Italian stereotypes and wild mushroom-fueled rampages!

Note: There were originally photos included with the article with humourous captions, but alas, the limitations of Microsoft Word and Wordpress did not allow me to show them in their original glory.

This ClashBang.com article was written by Chris Chu. Tired of privately venting his frustration in vain, Chris decided to share his discontent with the rest of the world.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 26th, 2006 at 2:39 am and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.